-About a Girl-

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Last night, i had the most disturbing dream ever. I dreamt that, of all things, i killed myself. I was dead and everything, my soul went up to limbo and all that but at the same time i was sort of still on earth, and some people could still see me and some couldnt. My mum could see me but she acted like nothing happened, like i hadn't just died. I was so confused and so lost in that dream because i should have been in heaven or wherever dead souls go to and i WAS, but i was still here at the same time. In the dream, i talked to sandra on the phone, just like another ordinary conversation and it was so surreal. I kept going back and forth between the dead world and the real one, and the dead world was just so sad, everyone else had died just like me and we were sharing stories on how we died, this one girl was murdered and she was just my age. i woke up this morning so shaken and unsure if the dream was just a dream or something else. Only when i was in school was i convinced that i wasnt dead, it was that bad and im still sort of shaken by it.
I've been thinking about it the whole day, and i've sort of come to the conclusion that maybe some higher being is trying to tell me something, or it could also be representitive of my state of being right now, im torn between alot of things and its driving me crazy. it was so weird....
oh well, school was alright, i kept falling asleep though. i found the poem for 'eternal sunshine on the spotless mind' and i was gona put the whole thing here but if u've seen it you'll know that its freakin long..! here's part of it, it's a really good poem and u should go find the whole thing:
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;
"Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

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Saturday, September 25, 2004

Hello! im bored..!!! Haha...not much 2 blog about, juz well..bored. (yes i know i already sed dat) anyway, just saw 'the restaraunt' on 8tv juz now, i luv dat show!! haha...rocco dispiritio...mmm....so, i've been sitting ere in front of my laptop the whole freakin day, trying 2 get my ass off and get sum studying done but gosh i juz feel so lazy today. 8 more days to go till the pmr!! ;p ahaks, dat means approx. 13 days to FREEDOM...muahahha! cant fcuking wait man. THAT is the light at the end of the tunnel for me, im tryin 2 think of sth crazy 2 do/go, nazirul sez to break the skool windows n stuff, well.........*inquisitive look* hahaha. Was thinking of following eric 2 the gym to go look-see the new cheer squad from his college today, but then he told me i gota pay 50 bux so.....yeah. screw it. mmmmm craving the beach, one more month and im GONE! woot woot~ lol, i just met some guy on the internet saying that he's jason lo's cousin and that he knew i've met jason cos jason described me to him, i was laughing my ass off!! stupid dumb idiots. nick sez he WOULD go 2 club med wit me but then he'll be in d UK by then. ARGH. craving sum sand n surf n sun, sum1 take me there! so far i think i've collected rm2 for the club med fund....hahahaha...

Eh....i think im gona sell off my bro n sis....any takers?? call me 2 negotiate d price yeah ;p

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haha, today was fun, i went to coffee bean with eric and that made me happy => but the dumbest thing happened, we were walkin back and i slipt on the metal railing across the longkang...sakit!! my arm has a big angry red scar now, and my ass is bruised. eric sez that he didnt fall cause he BELIEVED he wouldnt. So people, next time if there's the possibility of u falling down, just remember eric's advice and BELIEVE!





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Thursday, September 23, 2004

oh man, people, i've just found the answer to our terrible lack of good radio stations! just go to www.kerrang.com and click on the 'kerrang radio' thingie on the left. enjoy!

ps, there's alot of good stuff 2 read there too. =)

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Hello all, here's a little thing i found on friendster. Those i've put in bold are what applies to me.

Girls 2 noe if "he" lyk you:
1. His snow ball hits you (but not in the face). -this one doesnt count cos there's no snow here.
2. He threw away his laser pointer after you told him you think they promote random acts of violence.-he doesnt play with laser pointers.
3. After asking you to sign his yearbook he wrote "How come we never hung out?".-we'll see about that one.
4. He yelled Hi!!" to your mom that day she picked you up from school.
5. He blew off his buds to go see "Run AwayBride" with you cause you couldn't get another girl pal to go and you didn't want to go alone.
6. Forget your jacket? You can wear his.
7. His voice get softer ("Hey you") whenever you two talk.-yup.
8. You hung up on him and he called you back.
9. You were invited by him to a group outing.
10. He called you to talk to you about nothing at all.
11. He imitates your laugh- okay, you do snort sometimes, which makes you laugh evenmore!!
12. He remembers little things you mention in casual conversation.
13. He sometimes stares strait into your eyes.

Yeah..somehow, even after all this 'proof', im still not convinced. its not fair...i dont even know why i want him so much and its just so frustrating. argh.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2004

i hate people


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hey all,

im in school now..i missed school yesterday, i woke up at 12 and slept again til 1. my mum didnt even realise that i skipped until i went downstairs, which is kinda dope of her, should have just stayed there. aihz. she's been screaming and screaming and SCREAMING at me, cant fcuking stand it, i was planning to study the whole day yesterday but she just SCREAMED at me and that just pissed me off so much i couldnt do anything but well...be pissed. so then i called up nick, i wonder if he's sick of me calling so much. herm...he said he'd donate 1 buck 2 the BK2CMF, but tell me...what is one buck gona do???

I think im a little less sad nowadays, at least i dont think of suicide 24/7. Yesterday, i was writing stuff in my book and i came to the conclusion that i want rummel so much not because im madly in love with him, if anything it does not have to do with any amorous feelings whatsoever but really, its because i still want the joy, the fcuking ESCAPE that i felt while i was there.

People keep asking, Why are you leaving? why are you leaving?

i dont really know myself, so i say 'studies'. simple.

But any shithead can see that people, or at least liberal, so-called rebelious, familiarity-dependent, 15 year old people like me don't leave HOME for fcuking studies. I've been thinking..thinking...wondering why? why do i want to leave so much? Then i realise, hell, i hate it here so much, i cant have my old life back, so what do i do? leave.

Maybe you would say im running away. Not just from the reality of this dead world, but maybe i am, shallowly, trying to get away from my brother, my sister, my screaming mother, my elusive father. Well for once i dont deny doing so, because this time i think i am. Don't say i'm being selfish or scared. I try, I bloody well TRY to feel maybe just a bit NORMAL here, but i cant. In this school, there are no people i deem halfway normal, or closely befriendable for me to say the least, no boyfriend (grrr), no just-normal-buddies-to-crap-around-with, no daryl no wei keong no sandra no amelia, nobody. nobody to be my world. nobody to shout out loud with, do stupid things with, just BE MY FCUKING SELF with. There is nobody here to make me laugh and nobody to cry with me. I want to, I've tried, maybe I've fucked up, but in the end I have nobody here. This time, running away doesnt seem like such a bad idea at all.

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Monday, September 20, 2004

today was so twisted. the first half of it sucked, the airconditioning in school went berserk and we were all dying in the heat. i was pissed at people for just moving our tables without our approval, the teachers, the aircon and everything else, so i decided to go home. NO akil, its not because i didnt finish my bm homework. That's just part of it =P Thank heavens i didnt cry today.

Anyway, on the way home, my dear mother started to say all this stuff i really didnt need to hear since i was feeling like crap and was on the verge of tears. She shouted at me about my results (SOMEHOW she found out), about my attitude, about my lack of respect/appreciation for my parents, my laziness and my not attending the tuition classes that she made me go to. MADE ME GO TO, and finally i shouted back. If you know me well enough you would know that you cant ever, EVER make me do something i don't feel like, but my mother, having known me since the first cell within me came to existance, seemed to have missed out on that. All the way home from school she shouted. and shouted. and shouted. The thing is, she doesnt see things from my point of view. She can't, and i can't blame her really because we are two people with the same negative characteristics -stubborness, ultimately- living in two very different times.

So then i went home, studied a bit of history and had a nice warm cup of lipton. Tea always makes me feel better. Then i figured out the opening and a bit of the chords for Cranberries' Linger, and now my fingers are sore. At 5.30, i went for tuition, then skipped half of it. We went to starbux, i tried the strawberry frappuccino and it was DELICIOUS. Bryan isnt back yet....=( Me and val continued planning our fantasy club med vacation, herm....maybe i should post it up here some day to show you who's invited and who's not! =P We bought caxton's birthday presents too...=D. went back 2 mcdonalds at about 7.45, That's when i saw my sweet friend Nabila sitting there outside mcds! i was so happy to see her, i duno why cos we werent THAT close, but seeing her just made me so happy so we talked a bit. Then i realised i had stepped on a spilt sundae, aihz.

Went for the geography bit, gosh i hate that teacher. ASSHOLE. I met some dude named waffles or pancakes or sth, i asked him about 'bukit' and as he explained, he was trying to look down my shirt thinking i didn't notice. lol! so now im back here blogging, it feels nice to see some normal people after all the insanity (not good) in school.

Gosh, there are so many things i wana do before i leave. belly ring belly ring belly ring...argh i cant wait, i mite just go do it this weekend =P chee seng is supposed 2 sponsor me but apparently he's working in some bank now...hehehe.

You see? this is why i dont usually blog about what i do, cos then i wouldnt stop. 13 days to go...goodnite people and remember, patience....HERE COMES FREEDOM, BABY!


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Saturday, September 18, 2004

OH MY GOD. its so simple...i cant believe i never thought of this earlier...i'v found a way 2 cure my depression....CLUB MED!
they're having a party from the 16th to 24th at club med cherating called RenDezVouS 2....I HAVE TO GO!!!!! its total nonstop partying in paradise...shit...
As u all know i've been really sad lately... well club med would be the answer, but i need at least rm1000 to go...so i have a plan...i've decided to start the Bring Kim and Pals 2 Club Med Fund...i know it sounds stupid at first...but if you've been through what i have..you would understand...so please donate....u people wana see me happy right?? so dont hesitate..my life is at stake here...if u wana donate...contact me yeah! visit the site...http://www.clubmed-rendezvous2.com/index2.htm

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thank you

push the door, im home at last
im soaking through and through
then you handed me a towel,
~and all i see is you~
and even if my house falls down now, i wouldnt have a clue,
because you're near me...
...JuSt tO be wiTh YoU, is haViNg tHe beSt DaY oF my LiFe...
gosh im so pathetic.

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weeeee...thank u eric =P Posted by Hello

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what i write down in my excercise books. Posted by Hello

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The cutest pic! Posted by Hello

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pix of me, taken by khong choong the 'professional' photographer...=PPPP Posted by Hello

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=> Posted by Hello

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*muakz* Posted by Hello

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man i love this pic ;p Posted by Hello

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Friday, September 17, 2004

How its like to be kimberley low at 6.29 pm,friday, sept 17:

Chopin at 5 o' clock on a gloomy friday afternoon is not a good for the mind.

As I was sitting there in front of my piano, trying to figure out 4 pages of Nocturne, Opus 32 Part 1, i started thinking, "fcuk, this is the last thing i should be doing right now". Now if you have even dared TRY any of chopin's nocturnes, you would know that the first few tries are complete HELL. If you have mastered at least two opuses, well all my respects to you, because it is indeed a truly daunting and near-impossible thing to do. I felt so bad, this being the last lesson i'll ever have here and i was playing like shit for teacher brenda, having woken up only when she rang the bell. i was thinking about what nick said, he was telling me about the good girl/bad girl thing that seems to confuse me so, that he thinks i FEAR my mother and that i should get over it.

Gosh, who the hell are you to tell me what my fears are and what i should do about it? Some of you who have just met me in these past few months are such idiots...you think that because i would rather do something good than something you would deem as bad, that i have a naive and innocent outlook. Bloody hell, i prefer to do the right thing because i've already been through doing the wrong things and making the wrong choices to know what's good for me now; i can gladly say my conscience, or at least THAT part of it, is quite clear thank you very much.

You people just make me sick, you think you know me, you think you've finally figured me out, but your opinion on who i am is just completely laughable. just stop wasting your fcuking time, cos i am constantly changing, i am still finding myself so just bloody EXCEPT ME THE WAY I AM OR LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

according to my cousin melissa, i am not depressed. hah. i told her 'screw you', because SHE hardly knows me, what gives you the right to think you even have THE SLIGHTEST idea of what im going through?? she says that if you're depressed, you wouldnt announce it to the world, WELL DARLING, i do not intentionally tell people for the sake of them knowing, why the hell would i do that?? if you know me well enough (cousin, you do not), you would know that i'm an open book, i don't have a problem with telling things to people in general, i dont have any skeletons in my closet and im fcuking fine with that.

i need help to be happy, i know i do...someone told me that i need to find people i can relate to. haha well that kind of is the problem, i dont think any one really understands all my problems as a whole.

maybe im expecting too much from people but then again thats all i want.

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shit this sux

why is it that every fcuking time i have a brilliant plan, my mother has to go and screw every thing up in the last minute???

today, my whole family went out and they werent supposed 2 be back til dinner time. so i decided to buy nick his birthday lunch at pyramid today, i woke him up while he was still sleeping and i made him take a cab all the way here, i put him through all this bloody trouble. then, JUST as he was a few rows away, my mum called and said she's coming back. NOW. ugh. so i had 2 tell him 2 go back... this fcuking sux. i put him through all that trouble and i made him go back...gosh i hate myself so so so so much.

nick i know ur farking pissed at me and u probably hate me now. i think i feel worse than you would. sorry sorry sorry...but then again what is 'sorry' gona do?

shit. i might as well kill myself now.

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i try hard to be happy. i try so DAMN FCUKING HARD and believe me, it works sometimes. But the ugly reality of this is that when i'm happy, im not me, im some other person pretending to be kimberley low. Happiness to me is long-term, nearly-unachievable lifetime goal. Keeping myself busy pushes away this huge sad cloak of depression for a while, so i try to be busy busy busy doing things for people, doing things for myself, doing stupid things that are totally useless...and then depression hits. again. I read prozac nation over and over again because as stupid as this sounds, i've never related to anyone more than i do to elizabeth wurtzel. with all the brains, luck and people around her she had, it took her over 20 fcuking years to be able to say that her depression is gone...im so scared im gona end up like that. ya know what? i dont even think im gona live to see forty, and i see that as a good thing.
i don't wana die depressed.

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Wednesday, September 15, 2004

full name: kimberley low jean-hee

last kiss: about 6.30 am, 3rd june 2004, thursday i think, at the beach, club med cherating

last gig:jason lo and disagree @ pj, if that counts as a gig

last book: the secret life of bees. i hate it

last GOOD book: heavier than heaven

last dream: kurt cobain and *name*, we were sitting at a table and i was holding the latter's hand under the table. how pathetic can i get?

last movie: taegukgi...i cried about 4 times. its ok guys (Jon!), u can cry too. its the saddest movie i'v seen in a while.

last crush: *name* aihz.

last national flight taken: klia 2 kuantan, 31st may

last stamp on my passport: korea, november 2003

last craving: some dish at kim gary's, only because the canteen food was so bad

last love: i can't remember what love is

last birthday location: a blood test place, sunway hospital. yes i am still miffed bout that

last sweet person i've talked to: jun

last person i've missed: daryl

last time i said i love you: cant remember.

You see people, this is just a glimpse of the depression im going through, its really a zillion times more worse, its draining and tiring and its just killing me. goodnite.

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im in school now...i didnt cry today..! yippeeeeeeee!!!!
im a bit happier now, just changed the skin for the 3alpha website, go look! www.3alpha.cjb.net and post some comments.

yesterday me and val were wishing and wishing that we'd teleport to club med...we squeezed our eyes and wished, but *ping* nothing happened, i was still in the sick bay =(

uh oh teacher is making noise...gtg....bye!


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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Rufus Wainwright
I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Maybe I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
LoVe is nOt a VicToRy MarCh,
iT's a CoLd aNd iTs a bRoKen HaLLeluJaH
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I'm not exactly christian or anything, but i thank god, if there is a god, for music which is the only thats keeping me from suicide right now. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR PUTTING ALL THIS PRESSURE ON ME, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, I HOPE YOU REGRET IT YOUR WHOLE LIFE IF I'M FOUND DEAD SOON.

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It's so hard to be your self when the world expects the world from you. -Me

Maybe you were all faster than me,

We gave each other up so easily

These silly little wounds will never mend

~I feel so far from where I've been~

So i go, and i will not be back here again

But I'll hold on to your secrets,

in wHiTe HouSeS

And YoU, maybe you'll remember me,

What I gave you is yours to keep

in white houses,

in white houses.

*the last four lines are for you. i still think about you and i remenice about the good times and it makes me sad sometimes. but hey its me kim, i'll be alright eventually. thank you for everything.

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life sucks

UGH. god. today was such a crappy day. i hated it hated it hated it. everyone in school seemed to be trying to put me in a bad mood and finally i just broke down and cried. I think i said this for the first time in my life, LIFE SUCKS. big time. my stupid dumbass of a science teacher blames it on pms....argh i duno. i know that i should always be grateful for everything i have and not complain so much but right now, i hate the fcuking bus lady. i hate my classmates. i hate this stupid mental ward of a school my parents forced me in to. i hate my science teacher. i hate everyone around me...really. why? well everyone is expecting me to do so fcuking well in the pmr which i cant really give a rat's ass about, but then again im not one to let people down. so i'll just keep smiling while i die inside...what does it all matter in the end? its just feelings right? no big deal. I wish I could think that way but for honesty's sake, I don't. i know some people who do and i just dont understand.

Yeah...life sucks.

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Thursday, September 09, 2004

It's so hard to be yourself when the world expects the world from you

hey all u pmr ppl...feeling the pressure yet? i am. heh.

I HATE the fcuking bus lady. seriously. this morning, bad mood and all, i tried my best to muster up a smile as i paid her this month's and next month's worth of bus fees. Now if u didnt already know, i wont even BE going to school half of october, so paying the full month's fee is already pretty nice of me. Anyway, she saw the money and started making all this NOISE, saying that im supposed to pay all the way up to november. WHAT?? yeah exactly. being the old lonely lady she was, she started explaining the entire fcuking bus company system as if i gave a shit at 7.30 in the morning. but i still have to pay. aihz.

These few days have been SO tiring.
What more can i say? the prospect of the oncoming pmr is finally starting to get to me...problem is i cant get back into study mode.

Today we had science and geography tests and shit geography was so sickening. i fell asleep halfway through the paper, and had this BEAUTIFUL dream about kissing *him*, and when i woke up i found out it was just a dream. *sigh* oh well...i need to get my book back from 'name', and everyone else who has borrowed my stuff, especially cds or books, DO RETURN IT ASAP BEFORE I LEAVE! i think i need a KH and geography teacher...hot young and handsome if u don't mind. anyone interested? gimme a holler :P

nick played his guitar for me today...he's pretty good. my toyboy....hehehe=P im still deciding wether or not to buy kevin wong's guitar...i want to buy a left handed one this time, kinda makes sense since I am.

That stupid dream today...makes me feel so sad. I crave hugs and kisses and everything that pleases. =>

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Tuesday, September 07, 2004


hello all, haha trials are going on now and i can't give a shit. that should be a bad thing but i have to digress, too many things are going on now and i can't concentrate on school books...so screw it! we had bm tests today, i fell asleep during the objective test..zzZZz. Slept a bit after 3 am last night (or this morning?), thank god someone woke me up at six thirty this morning...hehe. oh well im screwed, cos tomorrow there's KH and i don't know the first thing about it, like nick said its a gay gay gay subject. Amen to that. yes you do give me sleepless nights...=D

the funniest dumbest thing happened after the bm test. Carmen, who was sitting behind akil who was sitting next to me, started saying something i couldnt quite decipher. now no offense, but carmen isn't exactly bright. Well anyway, here's how our little conversation went:

Carmen: patawi ah..patawi

Kim: huh?

Carmen: neh....pig! pig!

Akil & Kim: eh??

Kim: oh...u mean badawi is it?

Carmen: yala! (excited)..neh...the wat ah...the...the...the manager of malaysia...

-kim and akil start laughing a bit-

Kim: manager ar? oooh....sure or not...

Carmen: aiya..not meh? oh ya...the SULTAN of malaysia!

-Kim and akil start laughing alot-

Akil: i am so stupid!

hehehe...i know. i'm so mean. but i can't help it...tsk tsk => i think im starting crush on someone new...i havent been thinking of you-know-who for quite some time and frankly, i don't give a shit that he hasnt been calling as much. i think he only calls me up when he's horny...what an ass. but stil so beautiful...*sigh*

had another kurt cobain dream during my bm-test-nap, gosh im freaking my self out.

oo oo...i think half the world already knows this, but..I HAVE A NEW LAPTOP! WITH WEBCAM! weee...its so addictive, its my baby ;) i've been reading the second GosSip GirL book, all i want is everything, and its so fcuking good. yeah i know i should be studying but i can't...help me help me. ok well i've gota go sleep now, don't wana fall asleep again though i think i might, first test is english. self explanitary. Good nite!

You know you love me

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Sunday, September 05, 2004

its 4 am or something, i dont know what im doing, not studying for my trials, feeling depressed again, screw him screw love screw everything cos i want to die.

i bought a pair of chuck taylors today, not the pair i wanted but i needed shoes. went through so much trouble just to get these, god does not want me to be happy. im leaving im leaving and i dont know if im ever coming back...good bye my world as i know it.

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Thursday, September 02, 2004

I feel broken...i spent an hour crying last night, crying my heart out because i'm so sad, there's no other way to say it and i don't even know why i am.
my parents were shouting at me and it was just so horrible, it was my fault this time but i don't understand why they have to be so evil sometimes. they expect me to be the perfect daughter, the first born has to be perfect. god knows im trying so hard and i rarely ever complain about that, but if they expect me to try, then why don't they too?
its so hard...i never say this but its so goddamn hard to try to be a better person than you are. you try to be strong for everyone else though you're falling apart inside, but they don't see it and you can't blame them. its like covering up scars and burns, everything seems okay. everyone expects something out of you and you can't let them down.
people don't see what you don't show them.
i want someone to save me but i don't want pity. i just need salvation of some sort, i don't know what it is or where its gonna come from. all i know is i want something i can't put my finger on, and sometimes it feels like im dying inside.
not trying to be melodramatic, but...i think i need love.

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Some people have it all wrong. They think, 'Kim is the understanding one...she'll never get back at you...you can let your heart out at her...she'll understand."

Yeah well, try as I might, sometimes its hard to be complacent. Did you really think that saying what you said, I would just keep quiet?

I don't know. maybe i should have. But why can't you show some respect for once?

Why do you think I'm the one to blame? I'm not, entirely.

so stop trying to make me feel bad about it, its not working, its just making me sad that we have to go through this bullshit all the time.

so i guess the only way to make things better is by apologizing once again.


Posted by Closet Groupie :: 11:43 AM :: 0 Comments:

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