-About a Girl-

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Man, its a hot one.

Today was, without a doubt, the hottest day i've experienced this year. SCORCHING outside. apparently, it was 42 degrees, and hell it sure felt like it! thank the inventor of airconditioners for well...air conditioners. hah. the good thing about the heat was....i didn't go to school! i think half the school wasn't there...my cousins didn't go as well. my aunt was pretty adamant on us going but in the end she gave in. nicole's case was the total opposite, her mum wanted her 2 stay home but she wanted to go! how weird...i would NEVER give up the chance to skip school..yeah u know me. ;P but it was all good, me and my cousins had a water-sponge-fight and we all got wet and sunbaked, and now i have a cold =)

ok everyone, in case you didn't know, i'll be back DECEMBER 16TH. its a thursday. go write it down in ur calendar/diary/planner NOW...hehe. i can't wait! and funny thing is, its around the same date nick gets back from UK so who knows, i might meet him at the airport! hah! how cool is it to meet a random friend at, of all places, the airport....it happened to me once, last year, when i was going back 2 m'sia from korea, i was in the departure lounge and *poof* i met this korean girl i met a few times before. oh oh...dec 16th is also the same date dixon gets back from japan...double whammy hehe. its so ironic how we're all coming back on the same date...i guess fate does has its own funny ways of working itself out.

if there's one thing i've learned from this life, it would be that things never, NEVER go the way you planned. for me, at least. its like...the second i have everything planned out perfectly in my head, reality gives me a blow in the face and everything just goes another way. not that i'm complaining too much, but alot of the times, things screw up. and thats why nowadays i don't plan ahead too much, or too articulately, because i know things will screw up. so i guess i'll just let things work themselves out for now. because when i don't know what's comming next, when i leave everything to fate, good things happen and they have sweet endings, and who doesn't love sweet endings? =)

here's a quote from the lead singer of franz ferdinand that stuck to me:
"Never kiss anyone's arse. The taste is bad."


Posted by Closet Groupie :: 8:34 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Monday, November 29, 2004

today was beautiful. i've been sketching this portrait of a girl for art, and i'm nearly done...she has her hands in front of her right next to her face, and she's crying and her wrists are bleeding. how cool is that? everyone loves it. i dare say im pretty proud of the fact that i didn't just give up half way like what i usually do, and hey, its not half bad! =) during art, this girl maddy was telling me about her cat, and guess what...she's gona give me one of its kittens..!! weee...i absolutely adore cats..they're not fat and heavy like dogs are, and small tiny kittens are the cutest things =)

more great news, another girl jessica's aunt does piercings, and she's gona do my eyebrow for free! thats even better than the kitten...hahaha. thats not it, it turns out i CAN take year 10 music next year...that mr. drew is such a dickhead. i was choosing my elective subjects for next year and he said if i took music i'd have to take year 9 music cos im not taking it this year. BUT, i met the music teacher by chance today and she said she'd get me into year 10 music =D hehe...plus, she helping me get a piano teacher so that i can finish off the ABRSM thingie...one more year to go and i'm DONE. =)

hehe...today was just so sweet. oh but its sooo bloody HOT these days, tomorrow is gona b FORTY TWO FARKIN DEGREES, lord help me. i think i'll b skippin skewl wednesday or thursday or friday, or maybe all 3, and i'll try n do sum christmas shopping. everyone, tell me what u want! i'll try n get it for you. because i'm such a nice, sweet, generous girl...nyehehe.


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akil just said something that struck me as rather odd. i told him yesterday that im pretty sensitive, and today he says " you can't get hurt. you're emotionless." oh...before that, he said that one word to describe me is "BITCH". and BEFORE that, he was asking me to go back to sedaya and we could run the school together, he would be the brains and i would be the BITCH. and now he misses me. i don't get it...one minute im a bitch, one minute you want me back. right. whatever.

ok im not usually this touchy...but i admit i AM pretty emotional, only that i don't show it alot of the time. and akil couldn't have found a better time to screw around with my moodswings than this, just when im going through this usual crap again. nick says to be ruthless and burn bridges once and for all. as in just kill some friendships and don't give second, third chances. and you know what? for once i just might follow his advice. because really, i don't need this kind of bullshit happening in my life, i don't need anymore emotional abuse.

yeah yeah...ur probably thinking, "here she goes again". here's a surprise, i actually KNOW i'm horribly self absorbed with the way i feel. i bloody well know. and i know i tend to blow my feelings up way out of proportion (is that how u spell it?)...but i really can't help it. i can't. everyone is born with an irreversible flaw and here is mine. and i'm acknowledging it...i know alot of people who don't, and thats how they fuck themselves up. good nite =)

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Sunday, November 28, 2004


hehehe... i spent two whole days doing the back ground with photoshop cos i'm photoshop-illiterate, and i had some probs with fitting everything in, and i don't like the scrollbars, but i duno how 2 change that =(

wadya think>? DO give me your opinion...constructive criticism is greatly appreciated....i'm happy=)

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 6:09 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Saturday, November 27, 2004

of boys and mosquitos.

i absolutely adore having conversations with people like akil hassan bin kalimullah. why? because we both know how knowledgable each other are, yet talk about the dumbest things. i'm chatting with him right now and, i've realised that 50% of what we talk about is AHMAD BAZLI. the guy i used to like. i finally admitted to akil that i used to like bazli and he acted like he'd struck gold. then, i told him that i'd only asked him to the IU auditions in april so that it wouldn't seem to obvious if i asked bazli. he went BERSERK. hehehe...but of course lah its not true. i invited akil because he is a wonderful guitarist (you owe me) =)

its so funny how i can't remember the faces of the guys i used to like anymore. they're like mosquitos: they come out of nowhere, pierce you with those lovely eyes of theirs, giving you a big fat blemish on your life that you hate the sight of yet love to scratch, which, only makes the problem bigger. and then, like the mosquite bite, the crush eventually goes away by itself after a long period of thousands of failed remedies, leaving a tiny, insignificant scab on you to remind you of the pain you went through that you will, hopefully, one day forget all together and get on with your otherwise non-problematic life, like your otherwise flawless skin =)

And now i'm glad that i can finally say i'm not deathly obsessed with anyone anymore. and you know what? i don't like the way it feels. there's nothing left for me to blame my desperation and depression and angst on. so maybe guys aren't my problem, because when u look at it one way, guys are one of the best things about life =) not all guys of course, half of them are wanking shitloads of scum, but some of them are genuinely...nice. guys like eric for example. i adore eric to bits because he's one of my favorite people in the world to be with, no joke. (yes eric, you can thank me by buying me lunch when i get back =D). i think that, in a way, we're kindreds. we agree on everything and see alot of things the same way...i don't think i've ever met any girl like that.

and then there are guys like nick, who are so full of bull crap but u just can't resist listening to what he has to say because he makes his bull crap seem like the most intelligent thing in the world. he thinks i'm stupid, i think he's stupid, we agree to disagree on so many things and we can talk forever and ever, analysing and theorising about the stupidest things. i'm attracted to guys like this cos they actually have opinions, they're smart, and always have something to say. you can talk to them about books, politics, music, whatever, they will always have something to say. but what really gets to me is that guys like him always think they're right, no matter how obviously wrong they are.

blah...i think i've said enough. i saw notting hill yesterday, and i realised that i know almost every line because i used to watch it everyday after school on vcd when it first came out. hehe...another obsession. oh well. happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat =)
~i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her~

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Thursday, November 25, 2004


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Wednesday, November 24, 2004


here's some pictures, FINALLY. =) they're pretty bad, cos i had to get them developed into normal photographs at the photo shop and couldnt get them burnt onto a cd because the machine was broken or something. so i took pictures of the pictures with my webcam. oh well, better than nothing i guess. more pics later! =P

me with tabitha =)

amie, me, tabitha.

janelle n me. eric says she's pretty ;p

tabitha n janelle.

on the ferry to the zoo. yay.

my cousin james (the bigger one), and my sis n bro jasmine and justin.

lye, me and sarah at the malam perpisahan. more pix from that later.

Penny!! after playing foosball at ss15 (where i ran into my french teacher stefan) 2 days before i left....hehe.

Penny and Me hehe.

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 10:26 PM :: 0 Comments:

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maybe i'm amazed...

you know what i just realised? the O.C uses really good music! i just watched season 1's finale (again) and there's this song that plays during julie and caleb's wedding called maybe i'm amazed, originally by paul mccartney but sung in the show by this singer called jem, and its not bad at all =)

school today was fine, there was a fight of some sorts between tabitha and tyree about one copying the other...kinda reminds me of form 1 (year 7)...haha. i look at it now and i know its just so damn stupid to fuss about dumb things.

it amazes me, the way we all pretend. maybe its not the fact that we pretend itself because everyone is a hypocrite at some level, but it just really amazes me the way some people can come off as such honest and loyal friends when they're really faker than plastic. it stinks. today especially, it was like being 13 in usj4 again. all day i've been listening to these girls bitching about one another to one another and still act like everything's fine. everything's good and we are happy. happy people who bitch and two-time. happy sad people.

and we will all fade away one day. kurt cobain says its better to burn out than to fade away but i don't get it. or i don't agree, i'm not sure. fading out is horrible and depressing, but burning out, to me, kills your dignity and reputation. i love kurt. =)

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
who's in the middle of something
that she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
who could ever help me
Baby, won't you help me understand?

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 9:50 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Monday, November 22, 2004

helooooooooooooooo everyone!! i'm in a unusually good mood right now, so i decided to take this chance to blog about my day, like a normal person would! here goes...

soooooo...my day was mainly school; it was SO BLOODY FUCKING COLD!!! blah...first thing when i came to school, everyone was asking me if i found my phone cos last friday in school, i thought it got stolen, but turns out i left it in the car on the way to school. yes yes...typical kim *smiles*

during english, me, sarah n nicole (wilson) were talkin bout ghosts n stuff, damn those people know alot. during recess, i borrowed this book called 'looking for alibrandi'. i don't know why, i think i heard that title a long time ago...it sounded so familiar so i just borrowed it. gona read it after im done with this =) hmm...we're learning about joan of arc in history, and you know what? i actually LIKE history as a subject! seriously...its so darn interesting! before this we learnt about hitler and i juz wana say, DAVID, YOU STINK. hitler is evil. evil evil evil. so yeah..i have history with nicole punsalan, the one who comes to my blog, and she's really nice but she keeps talking about camp! there's gona be a year 9 camp and apparently everyone iz going but it ain't for me. lalala...last period was sports...me, tabitha n tyree juz sat at the benches and talked...tabitha's a sweetheart =)

i came home after that (duh) and juz came online...i have 2 more blogs to edit! lol...omg i HATE XANGA!! i spent like 2 whole hours doing the template for val's blog, it was so perfect n everything but when i clicked on 'save', it sed that the template couldnt be saved!! grr!! i NEVER have that prob here...oh well...

i've been chatting with kevin, mandy, elaine, wei keong...the old gang *miss them* haha...i remember the holidays of 2002 when me, kev, elaine and wei keong used to hang out everyday...its so surreal. i never use that word because i don't like it for some reason, but yeah its just so damn SURREAL the way things have changed...we're all so different now, so much older and we know so much better now...and its just so SURREAL the way people change. like...Kevin's hair!! hahhahaha...its all spiky now! and he didnt even tell me! ish...kevin is my fav ex, the only one i still keep in touch with...but i cant believe he didnt tell me! grrr...oh well...he's gona send me pix next week hehe!

ok yeah i suck at this...gtg now!

-The cLoSeT GrouPie-

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 6:05 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, November 21, 2004

these wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just to real...thats how it feels...i feel so hurt...i hate that im nostalgic...the hurt from failed relationships...burnt bridges...lost friends....all these small tiny wounds add up to one big bloodied cross on my heart and its growing...the pain from loving and not being loved back...its coming over me like a tidal wave....i keep asking myself...why didn't you come to see me? would it have hurt for you to spend 5 minutes of your precious time on me....i hate the way my scars won't fade...my feelings don't go away...they accumulate and build up in me until all i have are feelings and emotions from the past that just will not go away....why am i so goddamn emo?? it hurts...it hurts...i look at the guy i used to like when i was 12 and i fall in love with him all over again and feel the pain of him not knowing, all over again....i am 6 and 12 and 15 all at the same time....you will never know what its like...to feel what i feel and to hurt the wat i hurt...my heart will explode with everything building up inside...it hurts....

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 1:30 AM :: 1 Comments:

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I tried this quiz amelia had on her bloggie, its pretty fun n insightful...i agree with alot of the stuff but what is it with me getting married but still finding activity outside of home??? ish ish....haha oh well...go try the quiz at DOUBUTSU URANAI.
Kimberley LowJune/21/1989Female

You are Blue Tiger,
who is cheerful and straight forward person, but you also possess pure and clean atmosphere. You are very active, and don't flirt with men and are not cautious towards them. You are open-minded person with big warm heart.You can make decent decisions and have observing eyes. You are also intelligent and self confident. Nevertheless you are not very good at quick decision makings, and tend not to act before you are convinced thoroughly. But once convinced, you will go the whole way.You are very popular, because of the way in which you don't show favoritism and you can make decisions on reason. Unlike your cheerfulness, you tend to be very sensitive and tend to worry needlessly.You seem like a romantic type, but you are very realistic and don't go following your dreams forever. You are actually thinking a lot about your future. Although you seem like a big-sister type, you can be conservative towards men. You have good sense, but your interests are rather old fashioned. When you are in a difficulty, there will always be someone to help you. Those who received lots of help from the others tend to become warm hearted, and take care of the other people well.You tend to link love and marriage. And you wish for the two to become one. Even if you get married, you tend to find activity outside home(!!!!), so it will be good for you to keep a distance.

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 12:18 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Saturday, November 20, 2004

cotton candy and barbie dolls.

it's times like these when i would give anything to be seven again when all that mattered in the world was mummy picking me up after school and taking me home.

i've been thinking alot, but i'm torn between my head n my heart. I've been thinking that maybe i should call up my mum and apologize for putting her through all this anxiety and misery just because of me, her first born child, so....full of promise...who was supposed to be so wonderful, so much of what my mum wanted me 2 be but turned out to be such a dissapointment. at least, thats how SHE feels.

She tells me that, and fuck...doesnt she think that it stings my heart a million times worse than how the most lethal bee could? because, really, i think i'm doing fine. i make mistakes, sure, but aren't mistakes made for learning? she tells me that by time i learn from mine it would be too late, that it comes from her own experience...well from what i've learned, you simply just CAN'T learn when someone forces it down your throat. and no, it is never too late. My god...she wants me to be like her, but jesus christ woman, i am not you!! i will never give a fcuk about studies, i will never follow rules, i will never understand algebra like you do, i will always rebel against what you try to make me do, i cannot, just simply cannot be what you want me to be, i cannot pretend to be happy when im dying inside the way you do, i do not think the way you do nor do i feel the way you do and i am so damn sorry for that, i wish i was more like you but fuck i am just me.

And i try so hard to make you happy when i can muster the strength to put aside my depression...i study even though i would rather slit my wrists, i do TRY to be what you want me to but shit its just making me so unhappy! i think about it, and all i can come to, is that you would rather me be the best in the whole fcuking world even if it makes me severely depressed because you are stifling me, rather than let me be and let me do what i want and be happy. it really feels that way.

gosh mum, do you know what it feels like to be me? it feels like you don't care about how i feel at all. it feels like all that matters to you is me studying all the time and having no life and beating everyone else in school when i don't give two fucks about that. no...scrap that....that IS all that matters to you. i wish you would just realise that just because i don't do everything you tell me, that just because i don't live by the same rules you do, that just because i have a life, it doesn't mean i'm gona end up a failure, it doesn't mean im gona end up picking up trash on the road side and not go to uni, because I BLOODY WELL WILL. i am gona do so fucking well in this life that you're not just gona eat your words, you will keep em down and make sure they don't come back up because you will so damn bad about it.

And what i really don't get is...why the hell do you worry so much?? YOU'RE the one who raised me after all, i am after all YOUR daughter and not anyone else's, i do not come from a screwed up family...i come from you and daddy who are smart and level headed and you people are the ones i've been living with all my life and of course i won't screw up...i can't because i am your daughter and no one else's.

Yes...i WOULD give anything to be seven again when all that mattered in the world was mummy picking me up after school and taking me home.

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 1:22 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, November 19, 2004

Confessions of a Closet Groupie

someone's been asking for this..here it is. enjoy.

wouldn't it be sweet
if i'd succumb to you?
allure me astray
so sinfully blue

your words prurient
i couldn't resist
how nice it would be
if it were like this

its fine, this time
i wouldn't mind
for once i'm yours
vulnerablely blind

show me a smile
stay for a while
and maybe, just maybe
i'll be your groupie tonight

a thousand miles
make it worthwhile
and maybe, just maybe
i'll be yours tonight


Posted by Closet Groupie :: 12:42 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Thursday, November 18, 2004

like a virgin...=P

oh my god...i'm actually happy! i actually had fun today..! weeeee!

today, i bought:

-black singlet from supre

-guns n roses-appetite for destruction

-got the pix from my cam developed =)

haha...everyone in m'sia is askin for pix so i took sum today wit my digi cam. then, after school, i tagged along with rebecca, lisa n lauren 2 the plaza...sarah couldnt go =/ i got the pix developed, they're so kewl! hehe....and...OH MY GOD GET THIS PEOPLE....i bought the guns n roses appetite for destruction for ten bux!! that cd shop called leading edge...its like...heaven! they have all the kewl cds and are cheaper than hmv...thats the place i got the nirvana, soundgarden and bob marley cds, plus they have all these really cool t-shirts...gosh i juz luv dat place. blah, the only shit thing about today was, during english, tyree was throwing sultanas again...my god whats wrong with her...yesterday it was fun but today it was just irritating...and she told the teacher it wasnt her, that it was her friends so THEY had 2 pick up the crap...how lame is that?? gosh...sarah was so pissed.

oh well, im happy, gona go listen 2 my guns n roses cd now!! muahkz!

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ugh...i just had a fight with my aunt...and also with my mum on the phone...my mum found my report card...haha....crap....the results in there for my trials are...not good...and she's more bummed about it than me...haha...gosh...i just feel like getting drunk right now...help....and my stupid aunt....at first she sed its ok 4 me 2 get a job...but now i cant...so i called my mum and she sed its ok to go look around...surprisingly, she is more reasonable than my aunt...in certain ways...

its so horrible...everytime i find something i really, really want that could make me happy...they dont want me 2 do it...EVERY FUCKING TIME....and every time there's even the tiniest risk in something....they don't want me to do it either...bloody hell...might as well not step out of the house, a cow might land on ur head!...

i mean...am i fuck up?..no..i dont think i am...i KNOW that i'm gona succeed in this life...i KNOW that i'm gona go 2 uni...i KNOW that i'm gona get a good job...but fuck, just let me do it my way...i dont have to do my work when THEY feel like making me...and gosh...the more someone tells me to do it, the more i don't want to...so advice to all parents with kids who have a brain...please....just leave em alone...

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 12:32 AM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

weeeee! tomorrow, im goin 2 the plaza (a tiny lil excuse of a shoppin mall) with sarah and mebe some other ppl 2 go look for a job, hopefully in a clothes shop! rebecca gave me the application for mcdonalds yesterday, but im only gona do that if i cant find one in a clothes place. weeeee....its so fun, i have to write up a resume n stuff. oh oh...i din tell u guys about my day 2day did i? ok well i didnt wana go 2 skool cos i've been getting these SERIOUSLY bad headaches, but i was forced to. gosh. so i was in a pretty bad mood half the day, then during english...bloody hell! tyree started throwing dried apricots at me n sarah n stuff, so i through them back, then cara n carly joined in, and pretty soon it was a full on apricot-tictac-paperbullet fight...lol! oh oh we got back our science papers, i got 45 out of 60..boleh lah. not bad, considering alot of d faggots in my class got like..10? 11? u dun call em faggots 4 nuthin! nyehehe im so mean. but yeah whatever.

weee! im gona go get a job tml...haha...lil kimmy's all grown up now...blah...i have 2 get a tax personal number or sth like that...gosh so complicated. oh well i have 2 go type out my resume now, tata!

oh and...im either gona use the nirvana skin or the 'haunted' as my new layout..cya!

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 10:15 PM :: 0 Comments:

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hey people...first of all sorry 2 penny and val about my previous post...i was in a really shitty mood...i didnt mean it about hating u guys n stuff....juz...cant believe it...ok i better not talk about it anymore or i'll get pissed again..

anyway...everyone! i'm thinkin of changing the layout for my blog...maybe get a whole new skin, but i can't decide on which. i've narrowed it down to about 10 skins, click on the links below to have a look and do help me out here k? thanks~!

  • ~Like BoXes~--This one's pretty simple, but i think its kewl cos the design is really unusual n...i duno...kinda pretty 2 me i guess. =)

  • ~HaunTeD~ --I absolutely LOVE this one....have a look! its so dark, sort of gothic but yet soooo goddamn pretty, i'll most probably go with this one so DON'T TAKE IT!

  • ~Blink 182!!~--ok we all know i'm crazy bout travis n mark....weeee and this one of the band features the layout of the latest album...this just ROCKS.

  • ~BuRn~--this tells how i feel, right on the spot. there's a big possibility i might use this too...go look!


Posted by Closet Groupie :: 7:49 PM :: 0 Comments:

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oh my god...i can't breathe...something's got my throat....penny is gona bring val to meet oag...oh my god.....she can't....they're my band....if it werent for me val wouldnt even like them...and they both know im in love with radhi...oh my god....how can they do this to me....oh my god i think i'll just go slit my wrists now....its not fair....they're evil...everyone is....im crying...help...i hate you....the both of you....if i die its your fault....remember that...i can't believe you're doing this to me....thanks alot....

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 6:43 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

look ma! i did a quiz too! =P

You're red! You feel things more than most people
and you're almost always upfront about how you

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 9:57 PM :: 0 Comments:

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my hormones are whacked

i'm pms-ing, which i guess explains my emo-ism and ugh it just sux. today was hell. we had a math exam in the morning, and i couldn't do half of it...proves how rusty my brain has become after the pmr. ish. oh gosh, during break, i went 2 buy some chips to eat. i asked the lady "can i have some Thins, original?" and she gave me this really dirty look and went "can i have some manners??" wtf??? so i juz sed sori and she gave it to me...what a bitch! apparently, i'm supposed 2 say please. oh so now if i dont say that, i don't get served ei? and she could have said it in a nicer way....gosh...she looks like trailer trash. stupid bitch.

we also had a history exam, and thats when hell came knocking...first, it was this tiny pounding in my head which led to a full-blown massive headache, and then i couldnt see clearly...it was so horrible! but i juz tried 2 finish the paper anyways, my writing was really slurred and i wonder if the teacher will be able 2 read. so after the exam, i went to the sick bay and got the lady at the counter 2 call my aunt. gosh i felt soooo horrible i had 2 go lie down. the lady called and called but my aunt wasnt at home and thats when i felt like killing myself. ish...it was just a bad, bad day.

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 6:16 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Monday, November 15, 2004

we had exams today. fuck. it was english, science, and PDHPE which is sorta like health and phys ed mixed together. the PDHPE exam was so amusing, it was literally all about sex drugs n alcahol =) there was one section, they asked us to write down suitable replies to what the person ur fucking might say during sex, and it goes sth like this.

  1. "but i don't have a condom!"
  2. "im on the pill, you don't need a condom!!"
  3. "i'll lose my erection if i stop to put on the condom now!"
  4. "but i'm a virgin!!"
  5. "thats an insult! are you saying i'm diseased??"

haha....if only they had exams like that in m'sia...funny shit. i finally got a phone yesterday, its a tesltra line instead of optus which all my schoolmates were telling me 2 get, damn. the line is the one my mum's been using...oh well at least its not prepaid! i called amelia and val yesterday, just couldnt resist, and also..i can't remember anyone elses number =P oh yeah, i called daryl but his phone was off..grrr! optus is the aussie partner of maxis n hotlink, and the whole world knows i ONLY use 012. go maxis go! haha i'm so lame, supporting phone companies n all. oh well =)

oo oo..i was just at my cousin melissa's blog and she posted my poem "Groupie"...how sweet! go there and read it la, malas wana post here =P

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 4:18 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, November 14, 2004

all alone is all we are

its so weird..i made the decision to come here on my own. i guess what i really needed was a break from life, but now i want my life back. i can't help thinking that, if i were back in malaysia, i would probably be workin at the pizza place with val and penny and hangin with them, clubbin and shopping all over kl with sammy, sneaking out with eric, celebratin raya at uncle yusoff's with aizat and the whole gang, going to akil's open house today, maybe meeting up with sandra, daryl, kevin, wei keong, or even my sedaya classmates, or just anyone in particular. they say its lonely at the top but i'm down under and as down as down can get. i know i wouldnt usually say this, but right now im just feeling so sad and down and alone.


and since when is kim ever alone? i've always had all these people around me that just make life worth living. what the hell am I doing here?? I'm always doing crazy things, but always knowing i'll be able to pull through with my friends. This time there's no one by my side that i can trust, and then what do i do? i guess i've done it this time. i never thought about how (i hate for it to sound like this) malaysian i've become. i miss mamaks like hell, i miss the fact that we have shopping centres all over selangor and you can just hop on a taxi to anyone of them, i miss the fact that its just a ten-minute walk to starbucks, coffee bean, the hawker centre, anything you need, i miss that i could just walk around the neighbourhood at 3 am with fun people and not worry because i can trust them, i miss having all my friends living nearby my house and we could go just anywhere and have fun because we have each other, i miss talking on the phone till 5 am about nothing at all, i miss i miss i miss. usually when i'm overseas, i don't reminisce, but this time i do because i know its for good. and now i'm paranoid, i'm so scared that everyone's forgotten about me, have you?

i've never felt like this, and i've never, ever said this in my entire life...i feel so sad and alone. this time, there's no one to talk to me. this time, there's no one i can cry to. this time, there's no one to wipe my tears. the sad, sad fact is that, i am all alone, and i can't help but start to believe what they say...that, all alone in this world is all we ever are.

i havent got anyone here to trust. help?

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the new chucks i want..! Posted by Hello

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my cousin wendy took diz when i was sleeping and i used effects from sum pic editing software. i think its pretty kewl..=) Posted by Hello

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blah. Posted by Hello

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my retarded cousin, james. Posted by Hello

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amber is the colour of your energy...

im freezing my ass off as usual. i know its due to the fact that im wearing a micro mini but i really couldnt be bothered to change. my mum is leaving tomorrow! yay! haha...

soooo, today, we went...shopping! weee! i was in a pretty bad mood at first cos i was with the terror twins and my mum, and when u put all of us together, somehow, its a recipe for trouble. my mum was so weird, we were in the department store and she kept trying to buy me childrens clothes and childrens socks. wtf?? yeah...after that..she asked me if there was anything i wanted to buy, i kept telling her that she wouldn't get it for me even if i told her but she kept insisting i just tell her so fine, i told her i wanted 2 get the almost famous dvd since, as you all know i have been hunting all over malaysia for 2 years with no luck. yes, i FINALLY found it here and really, thats the first thing i want. but when i told her that, she started shouting at me! right in the middle of the shopping centre with everyone looking! gosh...i told her to stop drawing attention, and she said it was me who started it. HAH! SHE'S the one who insisted on me telling her, and SHE's the one who blew up. how dumb. oh well..

BUT, i bought some cds!! yay!! i got nirvana's in utero, a bob marley album and a soundgarden album. weeeee! so happy. shit i gtg, will post up my christmas wish list soon, so u all can start buying my pressies nyehehe =PPPP tata!

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Saturday, November 13, 2004

guys are such a dissapointment. take my cousin, james for example. he's 13, stupid, chauvanistic, and yet he wants to make it seem like he's so cool and everything. on the rare occasion, he DOES do nice things for people, but its only because he's fishing for compliments. UGH! i HATE it when people do that. and shit, he doesn't even show respect for his own mother, i know i'm not exactly a role model in that sense, but at least when i talk to her i show some respect! he calls her things in korean right in front of her, its so sick. and he thinks he's so smart! my god! i was taking the corrianders leaves off their stalks few days ago, then all of a sudden he comes to the kitchen and goes "what the hell are you doing!!" apparently, he likes the stupid corrianders with the stalks intact, and for some weird reason i am supposed to know that when he didnt even tell me. and he just shouted at me like that! and he wants people to think he's such a wonderful gentleman and everything when he doesnt have a tiny bit of manners in him. there are a million other things that piss me off...gosh he makes me SICK!

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Thursday, November 11, 2004

getting lost to the sounds of led zeppelin...oh what a feeling =)

i'm finally using the internet via my own beloved laptop again, i'm listening to 70's music, led zeppelin, blondie, the doors, i'm so happy now that i could die, yes i am happy because i have new music at last, and i just wanted to share this with the world. *big smile*

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i skipped school today. again. nothing wrong with that, really-i know what i missed, i make sure i catch up, its fine. it bothers me that it bothers everyone else that i skip school on a weekly basis. fuck, i simply cannot, CANNOT go to school every damn day. school has the effects of a narcotic, without the addictiveness-take too much and suffer the consequences. lets say i do go every single day like a good girl, i would, positively, without a doubt, die. yes, i would. too much in school bothers me, too much makes me weak, too much makes me miss what i don't have now.

call me a brat, but i guess i'm the kind of person who reminisces about all things good from the past no matter how wonderful the present is. for example, right now, i'm craving club med. to be specific, i'm craving lying in rummel's arms on that magical beach, him massaging my hands while i remain half asleep and half awake, just the two of us in a whole other world, and then him waking me up ever so sweetly to watch the sunrise, kissing me on the lips at first, then to my neck and oh god that feeling of sweet surrender...i need all that again.

people never get it, why me and val talk about club med 24/7, as if its heaven or something. you see, to us, it WAS, in fact,heaven at that time. since the very first day of the school year this year, we were so fcuking miserable, everything was justfcuking crap and we missed our old world. then, in june, club med hit us like a bomb. we went there without any expectationsbecause, frankly, by then i had pretty much given up hope on the world. after all those months of being so damn depressed, i had started to think that maybe it was me being hostile to the school and not the other way around, that maybe, just maybe,i had been pushing away the thought of there being nice, sane, NORMAL people at the school and not them being horrible to me as i thought. club med changed all that. from the very first second we set foot in that place, people were so wonderful. not just the G.O.s or whatever, but just people in general, the guests and all that. hell, i was back in the real world again. itmade me remember what it was like to be happy again, to look forward to the next day again. ultimately, it SAVED me and valfrom being brainwashed by our own misery.
Its taken me quite a while to figure out all this, why we mourned rummel and nazirul for so long after that. because, to putit in perspective, rummel didn't really do anything wrong to me, unlike what nazi did to val. i realised that, shit, i don'tmiss him because i'm in love with him, if anything, he doesn't really matter. the truth is, i miss that whole experience of salvation. true, i cried 3 fcuking days after that because he didnt come to see me off, but hey, i'm like that. in val'scase, she took nazirul too seriously, she thought that what happened between them would lead to a whole new wonderful relationship, but all it was, was a one-off, a one night stand without the sex. in a way, me and val preach the wonders of club med to the world as if its our new religion, and rummel was my jesus. it may seem a bit far fetched, but nonetheless, its true.
rummel, rummel...why did u show me heaven and leave me with hell?

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 9:34 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

shit. today, a guy from my school got kidnapped outside the mcdonalds near the school just after school finished...its freaky i tell you. the stupid thing is, about an hour ago my cousin wendy wanted 2 go walk her dog with her friend somewhere nearby. guess what? my aunt sent her all the way 2 the spot dey were gona meet, by car. haha....what do people think the kidnapper is gona do now...take away one kid after another until the car explodes or something? geez.

its ironic...i should be happy, thriving with excited energy, but im not. the depression (i say it as if its a close friend now) is back. thing is, the last time my head was actually clear enough to think about it, i thought that my melodramaticaly miserable episodes and sucide thoughts were self-induced, that i thought about my sadness too much, too many bad things happened around me and thats why i was depressed. but the difference is this time, everything is going well, everything is new (infamiliarity always makes me happy) and exciting, i should be happy. i really should. but, in reverse, im drowning drowning once again and there's nothing i can do about it. maybe i need love...as if im not already pushing away all the good around me.

"fighting all the tears will take time....the angels burn inside for us, and are we ever gona learn to fly?"

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its so damn irritating when people try to tell you what to do. its funny, because when alot of other people are told what to do, they don't seem to mind, but i do, BIG time. you see, my aunt is setting a certain time everyday for me to do my work, and she wants to check my home work and stuff. what the...?????? shit, i've never, EVER, in my whole entire life, had someone to check my homework or tell me what to study or whatever. NEVER. my whole schooling life, i've done my homework on my own, studied on my own, whenever only I felt like it. i've never had to have my mum or dad telling me to do what i have to, sit down with me and watch me do it, because i have enough sense to know what i need. and to tell you the truth, im glad its been that way, because i seriously cannot stand doing schoolwork when i know its because someone else told me 2 do it and is gona check for every single bloody mistake i make. like yesterday, she made me do all this stupid maths which, frankly speaking, is bloody fucking easy and doing it was just a shitload of wasted time. i mean, homework is enough of crap as it is, but being forced to do stuff i already know when i have a whole lot of other things to do is just bullshit. i could have gotten more out of sleeping that whole hour and a half, and the whole time i was doing it, i was in a really rotten mood and felt like throwing stuff. actually, i did. you see? thats what happens when u tell me what to do. so don't.

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Thursday, November 04, 2004

stars and butterflys and angels...everywhere =)

hey ppl...so yeah there was alot i wanted 2 say yesterday. oh gosh it was just so weird....i felt like cady in the movie mean girls...During assembly, these girls behind me started talking to me and they were like "oh my god, ur pretty!" and i just said " er..thanks." then she was like..."so u agree?" weird rite! then another one was like "ur teeth are so straight! did u wear braces?" what the..? they remind me of the plastics. and THEN, this girl leith, who's kinda rock and one of those i hang out with, was telling me all this stuff about them about how fake they were and all that, and she reminded me of janis in mean girls...gosh the whole day was just so surreal.

oh oh people...i have a new crush. hehehe....*blushes*=) eeks...continuing with the whole mean girls thing, today i was in the library (yea yea nerd) with this other girl sarah and we were just sittin there lookin at sum books. then she pointed out this guy who was a few meters away and said she hated him n stuff or wateva, but i was juz starin at him cos he's so gorgeous..! i think it was written all over my face...u know me lah. =P few minutes later...he came up to me and smiled and oh gosh *angels and stars and butterflys everywhere* it was like that moment when cady was in math and aaron turned around =PPPPP he told me to hide the bottle of water i was drinkin cos the librarian mite confiscate it...and i was just smiling like an idiot and sed thanks...and when he went away my face went red and sarah was laughin =) i can't remember his name tho...oh well *smiles*

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Wednesday, November 03, 2004

hello everyone, today i wana warn you about the dangers of stupid idiotic skateboards. u see, today we had a free period, and this girl tabitha had a skateboard with her and it looked like fun so i tried it. no later than 2 seconds on that stupid, stupid thing, i fell off. how nice eh =) the last time i tried one was like what...3 years ago? and yeah i fell off that time too...but this fall was so stupid..and everyone was like..."awesome..! that was the best fall ever..!" yeah whatever.

anyway i have 2 go now...been playing mortal kombat all day and i gota sleep haha. gnite!

ps....the comment thing is working now so comment la.

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Tuesday, November 02, 2004

i'm going crazy...crazy with...i dont know if its envy or jealousy or just plain heartbreak...its not fair....i did everything for you...EVERYTHING....i guess if anything, i am dying of jealousy, insane with envy, its never gona stop til i get over you and i am most definitely not....its all you you fucking you....you ripped my heart out and left me there for the world to see me broken and desperate...is that what you wanted?? and i still loved you...i walked on water and climbed a fcuking mountain just for you...and all i ever wanted was for you to love me, even in the most miniscule amounts...just a little empathy to save me was all i wanted from you... and you made me think, even if it was just for a while, that you gave a shit but its just you and your stupid games...yes, its taken me that long to see that..everyone was so bloody right...but then again they say that love is blind and didnt i truly love you?? i dont want to sound like another stupid heartbroken girl but then again there you go...flaunting your indifference...just when i thought you cared...i FUCKING THOUGHT YOU CARED. its killing me its killing me...what i wouldnt give for you to love me the way i love you...what i wouldnt give for you to love me and not her...she doesnt love you like i do...no amount of distraction can work now....i need someone to save me from myself before i slit my wrists in spite of and my love for you... i feel so stupid. ugh...and the worst part is, i still love you.

Posted by Closet Groupie :: 2:12 PM :: 0 Comments:

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