-About a Girl-

Monday, September 25, 2006


Recap of the past week:

Saturday - fever.

Sunday - fever and sorethroat.

Monday - fever, sorethroat, phlegm, sniffles, stayed home and rested.

Tuesday - it got worse. Still no school.

Wednesday - bloody phlegm. uh oh, ok, see the doc. doc says take meds and all will be good.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday - still the same, antibiotics are shit. I start eating insane amounts of fruit and it seems to work.

A week away from school is like isolating yourself from the rest of the world for a week. That, and a million other personal things I'm going through at the moment makes it a recipe for tremendous imbalance and losing a sense of yourself and your place amongst your friends, school, home.

In other words, right here, right now in this moment, I am completely unsure of anything in my life. I feel like I've been knocked unconscious, had my sould moved into this body, and woke up to find that nothing fits and nothing makes sense.

And today, today I couldn't have disappointed myself more. My perfectionism, I've discovered, is lethal to my self assurance and sense of being.

My english speech was shit.

My captaincy one was, to be gentle, five levels worse than shit, the last nail in the coffin thats making me want to just give up and say fuck you to the rest of the world. It was that bad.

I started off awesome, but lost it halfway through. I think no matter what the prize at stake is, even if it is something as big a deal as being school captain, when your heart's not into it, when you're not driven by that insane passion to get it no matter what, there is just no way you can take it as seriously as someone else who's been vying for it for yonks more than you.

That, added to the fact that I'm just no good with talking about myself to a whole bunch of students, trying to convince them in 3 minutes as to why they should vote me as their captain, without them talking back or asking me questions...seriously, not my thing.

To me its always a competition that I have to win, and today I knew that someone else would get it and not me, so basically I just lost it halfway through. Gave up. Demotivated. Couldn't give a fuck...let the perky girls have it, they know how to win hearts. And the second I realised this, my confidence and mental preparation just flew away too, making myself look like a total idiot in front of those that counted. And my teachers, oh god! My french and society & culture teachers, my favorite teachers out of all, were right at the back watching, hoping for me to shine through and getting the worst. Knowing you've let down the people you look up to so much and placed so much faith in you could very well be worse than disappointing yourself. My only saving grace is that I'm not taking this too seriously; I'm over it and as I'd said before, I'd rather be taking care of the Amnesty group.

But still.

And so this malancholy numbness is back, denying the fact that I've let myself down in the stupidest way ever when I could have done so much better.


Posted by Closet Groupie :: 2:15 PM :: 3 Comments:

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